Film: Prometheus

This review may have spoilers. I haven’t decided yet. I will warn you when I do.

I am easily convinced to go see movies, especially those that have a hullabaloo preceding them. (ah, marketers. I AM your number one sucker.) So I went over to Sarit (an old and achingly familiar haunt) to see if Prometheus was showing, and then was persuaded to go watch it on Imax (which I am still feeling ambivalent about. But AnyHUE.).

What they DON’T tell you in the little trailers and posters thingies is that THIS MOVIE IS A PREQUEL TO ALIENS. (and the whole Alien, Alien vs. Predator, Alien vs. Predator 2 franchise) I am not a chick of horror movies. The last horror I watched was The Red Dragon (again, through much persuasion) and I was THE ONLY ONE SCREAMING IN THE CINEMA. INTO MY BUNCHED UP SCARF. My threshold for blood and gore is at about negative 27 million (which, haha, is how many dalladalladallas Prometheus made on the first day of it’s release. Today is Day 3.) unless, of course, it’s the pleasant, handsome kind (a la Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street or I am Legend. YES, that is my version of horror. Did you SEE Those dogs? Eish. I was hukuz watching through two fingers, yawa tho.). NO ONE PREPARED ME FOR THIS. I have never and will never go near a Saw/Machete/The Exorcist of someone or the other, EVER. This stems from watching Silence of the Lambs when I was 6 (I really do not know, to this day, how this was allowed to happen, but it is probs the reason why my boy A-Hop is my favourite villain of all time). My life has never been the same. cue haunting music (second time I have used the word haunt in one post. Hm.)

Ok, no spoilers.

So Prometheus is a bunch of scientists who are looking for the origin of man and so go to an alien planet in the year 2089, I believe, because that is where they think they will find teren answers. And they find something, all right. It probably won’t be as scary if you’re male (which is why you should TOTES take your girlfriend), but for me…eish. There’s aliens (kwanza there’s one…he). Obviously. There’re some things you won’t know/understand if you haven’t watched the other movies. The plot is a tad obvious. I could tell how some things were going to go, but not everything. That being said, the effects were really, really good!! I enjoyed that. I also enjoyed Noomi’s (chick from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is a book everyone should read, and yeah, we are on a first name basis) performance, as well as Michael Fassbender’s (Magneto from XMen: First Class), Charlize Theron’s and Idris Elba’s (I really need to start watching The Wire). There were a couple of characters whom I thought were irrelevant, though. shrugs You’ll see.

I give it, like, a 3 and a half out of 5. I am sorry if that is blasphemous, for all a y’all Alien/Arnold Schwarzenegger fans, but frankly, my dear,…


p.s. There’s probs going to be another post today.

12 thoughts on “Film: Prometheus

  1. Could be a Kenyan thing. Lets see what will happen when I return…
    And if i get the 39 next to my name, well, i will have no choice but to boycott!

  2. When I am anointed emperor of the world and pope of style, I will ensure every other movie made is a horror..and not stupid horror like Saw or Paranormal Activity but proper horror like Exorcism of Emily Rose and that American Horror Story series. To make things fun, I'll throw in disturbing shit like Antichrist once in a while. Over christmas, I'll allow a good comedy a la 21 Jumpstreet….just so the masses see what goodies they would enjoy if they raised more statues of me.

    That said, I'm a sucker for sci-fi. Once I get someone to come with me, I am so going to see this movie…and why would you go to Sarit when there's IMAX. Flip floppers will not be in a happy place when I come into my kingdom. Emporerdom. Whatever.

  3. :o)

    This comment has made me happy. But all the same I am gad you will never be emperor/king/pope of style.

    I wasn't feeling like Imax for something that was not Batman, so…

    Flip floppers? Or flip flops? So confused…

  4. Flip floppers are people who do not stick to one thing…like the unending awesomeness of IMAX. They flip. and flop.

    Does thee professeth that thou wilt not be watchingeth Thpiderman on IMAX? Really? You will really, really be unhappy when I come into my Monarchy. Emporium. Whatever I chose to call it

  5. Aaaaaaah.

    Will you still read my blog, emperor?

    I may watch Spiderman. I have great contempt for the actor, but hey, if I got through Snow White and the Huntsman (ugh, that Twilight girl. UUUUUGGGGGHHHH), I can get through yet another pasty teen superhero.

  6. Q. How do you get a grade E on your review of a movie?

    A. By failing to mention that if one were to sit through 2 minutes of the credits, they will see a Muthoni Wa sombedy…not even sure if the first name was Muthoni or Wambui. Anyways, she's credited as the computer swahili voice. What computer swahili voice, you ask? EXACTLY!!! I didn't hear swahili anywhere. Now I have to go get the DVD and listen carefully to everything said by the computers.

    And I know you're going to claim only weirdos and plotless gooks sit through credits…and I would usually agree but when you've spent the entire film wondering what exactly David (Fassbender who is so awesome in all his movies we should give God an Oscar for creating him) is up to and wondering if Charlize is also a robot and extrapolating it to if she's a robot, maybe she should have told Elba about it coz she might have an exposed wire and he gets electrocuted when doing 'it'… which is not a bad way to go, also, whether you would do it with a robot…but what if the robot looked like Charlize Theron…okay those are easy but what if the robot looked like Charlize Theron but had an exposed wire, would you still do it. Then being immensely sad that the answer to all these questions is yes. Then wondering whether Angie should be chucked out of the top 5 hottest women list and replaced by Charlize. Then doing a mental list of their pros and cons. Then losing the plot of the movie coz your mind has been wandering for the last 10 minutes and when you come back there's a tapeworm breaking someone's arm and you wonder HOW NOW??!!!

    It' exhausting!!! That's why I sat through the first 2 minutes of the credits trying to sort out my feelings after the movies.

    And yeah, I'll still read your blog. And officially grade your posts which is the sovereign right of any self-respecting monarch.

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