Let’s talk…about sex, of course. About how women view their bodies and think about their right to pleasure. About the value they place on a man’s ego and how that translates into how they make love, fuck, copulate.
I’m going to tell you three stories, about three men who have really made me think about these things.
I had sex with a man who I was very attracted to. Muscular thighs, broad chest. Chiiiild!! The works. He sent me nudes, which I love by the way, with consent of course. And so, we scheduled a dick appointment.
I want to emphasize my attraction to him because I have been convinced, coerced, manipulated, even…into having sex with men I was not attracted to. I am sure we all have stories on this L.
The first round was good enough to make me want a second one. It was during the encore that things went south.
Mid-session, dude dismounts, takes off his condom and proceeds to finish himself off…WITHOUT. SAYING. A. SINGLE. WORD. Mind you, I’m not a prude and I do enjoy watching a man pleasure himself. That wasn’t the problem here. It was the fact that it wasn’t something we had discussed – and his actions were, frankly, selfish as all fuck! And how did I respond? By doing absolutely nothing, saying absolutely nothing and leaving once he was done.
Every so often, I think about my actions or lack thereof.
It brings me to a number of thoughts. Consent and duty of care on his part, but also self-advocacy on mine.
Consent is not just asking beforehand. It’s also checking in during the process. “Do you like it?” “Can I carry on?” “How do you want it?”
The lack of care for me was in the lack of consideration for my pleasure and the lack of communication during and after this incredibly strange round.
I didn’t say anything to him. I didn’t address what had just happened. I left as soon as I could. And it got me thinking about the number of times that that has happened where I was not satisfied or was perplexed or was shocked and said nothing and did nothing and sometimes even went back for seconds to maybe confirm what had happened? And how it is from socialization and training, even from myself that a man’s pleasure was more important than mine. That sometimes you kept your mouth shut to not anger him or embarrass him or humiliate him because that could lead to dangerous places. And how even though I am loud and assertive and brave, there have been more times than I care to admit where I didn’t prioritize myself and didn’t speak up about what I found uncomfortable or unpleasant or even downright scary.
For a brief period, I had a DOM 🙂 and none of that Christian Grey nonsense either.
Before our first session, he practically made me fill in a questionnaire. He asked me all sorts of questions. Not just about my favourite position but about my thoughts on things. I was sort of taken aback because I thought ours was going to be just a physical relationship…at least that was my plan. LOL! If you dabble in BDSM you know how foolish that was.
I have never had a more intimate encounter in all my years. In him, I found…sanctuary. For all the things I wanted and the things I did not know I needed. The trust and vulnerability required in such a relationship, however, is not one I was prepared for.
He reminded me about something that I know innately but that I hadn’t practiced much of, until him. That I have a right to prioritize my pleasure. Always. That it is a disservice to myself to do otherwise. And that translates to me saying, ‘No!’ Even when the clothes are off, even when we have completed one or more rounds already, even when the person is at the door, even when it is not the first time. I should never allow myself to be used as a fleshlight. If they act in a way to suggest that my pleasure will not be prioritized, then it’s a wrap.
He also reminded me that I deserve and should definitely expect duty of care. Before, during and after all encounters. To check in with each other on how we are doing physically, mentally and even spiritually as a result of being together with a person. Of course this may not be practical in a one night stand setting but there definitely should be some level of care before and during. Otherwise, a sis must not waste her time and body count please!
Then there is the one who was an old friend who turned into a lover. Listen! Friends with benefits is where it’s at!! Believe that!!!
Majority of us all have that one or two or three 😀 friends who we’ve known for years. Who look at us and we melt into a puddle of want and thirst. But we think the friendship will end if we see each other naked. I think we’ve become better friends because we got our freak on. We above all else love each other in that deep, intimate way that good friends usually do. Before anything happened between us we had a lengthy chat and we periodically check in with each other and dissect whether the terms of the relationship still meet our collective needs; a performance review, as it were.
He reminded me to be honest at all times, even when it is an uncomfortable thing. Because usually honesty is based on respect and it begets kindness.
He’s pretty old fashioned so you know a sis shocked him with some requests 🙂 . You know what I liked about him though? He never once made me feel weird or strange and we would talk about what we wanted and if it wasn’t too weird, we would try it out. I even brought a toy once and it was magical.
He re-enforced the reminders from my DOM. That consent is continuous and sexy as all hell, that duty of care is non-negotiable and that although body count is a patriarchal nonsensical concept based on purity culture, a sis should never waste her good time because that is where I have been going wrong!