Movie Review: Pirates of the Caribbean – Dead Men Tell No Tales

Don’t crucify me when I say that I wanted to watch this again more than I did Wonder Woman.

I know how that sounds, but let me explain.

My relationship with Pirates of the Caribbean is like mine with Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings, and other such franchises that have gone on for a while. When you grow up with something, you get deeply attached – much like Game Of Thrones, and its addictive precursor (for me), Weeds (8! Seasons!). I mean, Game Of Thrones is in Season 7, this year, which means for the past 6 years, people all over the world have been devoting themselves explicitly to Mr Martin’s sadomasochism, and yes, they’re fine with it. Do you know what happens in 6 years? I’m not even the same person I was last year, much less 6 seasons ago. And so, the constant relationship marinates.

With Wonder Woman – it’s a good movie, but it’s new to me. POTC has people I know, stories I needed tied up, jokes that link to other ones. It’s a web. Which is why, instead of exhaustion, I happily accepted that much like Fast and the Furious, they’re just not going to let this one die a natural death. (Yes, there’s going to be another one. Now that that’s out of the way…)

Captain Jack Sparrow is still very drunk, all the time. He gets caught up with Will Turner’s son, Henry Turner, who is looking to break the curse that binds his father to the depths of the sea eternally. Henry, in turn, finds a damsel who isn’t in distress at all, with a desire to follow a ‘map no man can read’ to a land no one has ever seen before because of a father she never met – and they’re all searching for the same thing, so they become a team, however unwillingly. Meanwhile Jack’s past comes back to haunt him, and therefore all of them, thus derailing their quest ever so slightly…

Listen, Jack Sparrow is still Jack Sparrow. I’m glad they’re adding new characters to the franchise (which is what they’re going to do with F&F as well – you see how they’re just conveniently introducing people’s children, left, right and centre? You thought it was just a cute baby in a car seat, eh?), because Jack’s jokes can only be told so many times. I am surprised that they keep finding new ways to tell a pirate story, but hey, this is Hollywood. Don’t expect a super complicated plot or story line. Expect pure entertainment, drunkenness, really great CGI effects and a few loose ends tied up. If you’re anything like me, you’re going to be dancing in the cinema.

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