In summation, the Fate of the Furious is the fate of all the other Fast movies – to go down in history as the perpetual series (movie) which has a lot of fancy shiny fast cars that defy gravity and logic, with lead characters who have one facial expression and the weakest storyline ever cobbled together to sell a movie ticket, only beaten by Death Race.
So in other words, no surprises whatsoever.
The good: You can’t hate the cars. They’re all gorgeous. Even the tankers. Even the old ones. There’s a particular Lambo in this one, and a Porsche, that I just feel they were very rude to. And, in spite of the fact that no one actually expects the Rock to act (remember in Fast 6, when he ‘burst’ the cast? I didn’t even notice. It really did feel like wrestling) I’m grateful for the fact that he still tries, even with that godawful Central Intelligence nonsense (did you sleep through that too?). Also, I normally can’t stand Jason Statham, but perhaps since the other acting is so bad in this, he really shines. A bit of Brit goes a long, long way.
The bad: The horrifically structured plot. So apparently, someone finds a way to blackmail Vin Diesel into doing what they want and crossing over to the dark side. But that plot is so infantile, with an immediately apparent solution, that it seems ludicrous that he would actually switch to said dark side. Maybe it’s his homa, which makes him talk like he is constantly congested, that is also congesting his cranial activity. That plot was so weak, it couldn’t save Nakumatt. I kid.
The ugly: First of all, enough with the Fast and Furious movies already! Like they’re introducing children into the mix. At this point it’s turning into Generations/Days of Our Lives/The Bold. They’ve already confirmed The Rock and Vinny for Fast 9 and 10. We’ll be in 2030 watching ‘Fast and Furious Fifteen – Finally’ – when the kids are grown up and carrying on their parents’ legacy. You were wondering why they keep bringing the kids into the movies? This is why.
Also…in the words of my petrol head friend, there’s no way a Pontiac drives like that. There’s no way a Lambo can have enough traction to get anywhere on ice. There’s no way a torpedo can be diverted by the Rock’s super steady hand. There’s no way a missile launched has that much waiting/landing time. There’s no way a man can drive through fire and be saved from an explosion by a ring of cars. There’s no way…in fact. That should be the slogan of the movie. No. Fucking. Way. Fast and Furious, you’re not James Bond, driving around town. Saving the world, with a constant frown. Cars can’t do that, that’s not how it goes down! You’re just the fast and the furious. Looking like clowns.